Gate Notes
by PhantomKat
Summary: Completely random things start happening to SG1. Things like some of SGA1 showing up, John singing, and everyone doing the Chicken Dance. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Gate Notes**

This story is from me and my friend Jon. We get really board in class and this is what happens. Enjoy!

PhantomKat is in normal and **Jon is in Bold**

* * *

**Carter: Yes, sir. Like gravity. The force of the gravimatrix stabilizer reverses the polarity if the power cuplinks every terisecond the machine is operational.**

Teal'c: Indeed.

Jack: What did she say.

Daniel: It's all very simple...

Rodney: If it were simple, I would've done it by now.

Carter: What are you doing here?

Rodney: Sometimes it's better not to know the answer to that question.

Teal'c: Indeed.

**Jack: Ooh, I remember now. You're here for the new alternate universe thingy that came from Atlantis.**

Shepard: Alternate universe? I thought this was time travel. Why else would O'Neill still be a colonel?

**Jack: I can change my rank any time I want. We do it all the time. **

**DJ: No, we don't**

**DJ looks at Jack inquisitively. Jack gives him the look like "play along"**

**DJ: Oh, right. Yeah, they do that all the time.**

Jack: Anyway, I'm good with it as long as it doesn't include time looping.

He shudders.

Teal'c: Indeed.

Rodney: Is that all he can say?

**DJ: Well, he never really had to say a lot at his old job. Just yes, no, cree (whatever the hell that means), and indeed is almost all that was tolerated there. **

**He rambles on a bit longer until noticing that the others had stopped listening to him a while ago. Teal'c got bored and started juggling. Jack, consequently, ran out of the room screaming and waving his arms in the air like a wild man. **

Jack: No time looping! No! No!

Shepard: (to Carter) Did he ever get over that?

Carter: No. Even if you mention time looping he shudders. Watch. Hey, Colonel, (he looks up) Time looping. (Jack shudders) Time looping. (He shudders) Time looping, time looping, time looping.

Jack shudders uncontrollably. Teal'c raises an eyebrow.

Rodney: Hey! He did something other than say 'indeed'! Finally!

**Carter: (to Rodney) You probably shouldn't pester him anymore. I've seen him trash the weight room before. Apparently, he had lost his temper and picked up the bench-press and threw it across the room, through the wall, and into the mess hall, where he regained his composure by eating the banana pudding. **

Jack: Yum…pudding.

DJ: When he's mad he's like a…like a Wookie! He could rip your arms off.

Shepard: It sounds like Carson on a bad day.

Carson walks in.

Carson: You bet it does!

Rodney and John jump.

Carson: How many times do I 'alfta tell you lads? Don't try to escape from the infirmary! Do you know how long it'll take to clean up that pudding?

Jack: Yum…pudding.

John: But we're fine.

Carson: Having your soul sucked out, switched, switched back and getting impaled by a pointed stick does not sound fine to me.

John: The stick wasn't that pointed…

**Beckett: Ya, that stick wasn't that pointed, and that Wraith hiveship wasn't about to explode while you were still on it either. **

**John: Yep, that's exactly how it was. **

Beckett: And you didn't shoot the Wraith with your huge gun and win the heart of the chief's daughter.

John: Well, that _might_ have happened…

**Beckett: Well, you still need to get back to the infirmary. Come on. Let's go. **

**Enter Gen. Hammond. **

**GH: You all weren't just about to go? We're about to start up the thing from Atlantis, and we'd love to have a couple more test subj…I mean, participants in this experiment. **

**Jack: Well, you know me sir. I never could resist something shiny. **

**Beckett: I don't think he was askin' you. **

**GH: Well, John?**

**John: Well, you know me sir. I never could resist something shiny. **

**Jack: Wait. Didn't I just say that? **

**Teal'c: Indeed. **

Rodney: IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY?!

John: Rodney, shut up and go invent something shiny that has a button I can push because I don't know what it does!

DJ: What's going on?

Jack: You're just a civilian, so you wouldn't know.

Teal'c: I believe that was what is known as a burn.

Rodney: You actually said a sentence! Thank you!

He runs over and hugs Teal'c. DJ clears his throat.

DJ: (whispering to Rodney) Remember the Wookie.

Rodney quickly lets go to Teal'c. Teal'c raises and eyebrow.

GH: Colonel Shepard are you going to try out this device?

John: Yes, sir. What do I do?

GH: Just put your thumb on this pad and your palm here.

John: Okay.

He does as GH says. GH pushes a button and…an electric shock surges through John's body! He walks around dazed for a moment and then starts to sing.

John: 'Cause I've got a golden ticket!  
I've got a golden chance to make my way,  
And with a golden ticket, it's a golden day!

Jack: Why is he singing songs from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory?

John: Who can take a rainbow  
Sprinkle it with dew  
Cover it in chocolate  
And a miracle or two?  
The candyman. The candyman can.

Carter: Just as long as he doesn't sing an Oompa Loompa song.

Carson: What would happen then?

Carter: Teal'c would go all Wookie on him.

John: Oompa Loompa doompadeedo  
I've got a perfect puzzle for you.  
Oompa Loompa doompadeedee  
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

Teal'c lets out and angry Wookie yell.

Teal'c: Angry Wookie yell!

**Teal'c starts running towards John, grapples him, (still running) flings/swings him to the wall, draws back his fist, and punches through the wall just a hair away from John's face. You can tell he had to work pretty hard to miss.** Ha, you said grapple.

Carson: How do you stop this?!

Jack: Quick! Sing 'Under the Sea'!

John: What?!

Jack: Just do it!

John: The seaweed is always greener  
In somebody else's lake.  
You dream about going up there  
Well, that is a big mistake.

Rodney: How is this supposed to help?

Jack: It's not. I just thought it'd be funny.

John is still dodging Teal'c's attack.

John: (to the tune of 'Under the Sea') I'd like some help! I'd like some help!

Carter: Colonel, I think you should tell him.

Jack: Fine. Sing 'I Just Can't Wait to be King'.

John: I'm gonna be a mighty king so enemies beware  
Well I've never seen a king of beasts with quite so little hair.  
I'm gonna be the main event, like no king was before  
I'm brushin' up, I'm lookin' down, I'm workin' on my roar!

As John sings nervously, Teal'c stops dancing and starts dancing.

**DJ: Now wait just a second here. I don't remember Teal'c ever dancing. He never dances, so we must be in an…**

**Jack: Alternate Universe. **

**DJ: Yes! But, how did you know what it was?**

**Jack: Oh, come on. It's always an alternate universe.**

**Carter: Ya know, I think you're right. I've noticed minute differences in this conference room since John pressed that button. **

**Teal'c still dancing. **

**Teal'c: Verdaderamente. **

**GH: What?!**

**DJ: I think that's Spanish, sir. **

**Teal'c: Esto es muy extraño. Y no puedo dejar de builando. **

**Jack: Translation please. **

**DJ: I'm pretty sure he said 'This is very strange. And I can't stop dancing."**

Jack: Was können wir machen?

Carter: Sir, I didn't know you could speak German.

Jack: Ich habe nicht gewusst, dass ich Deutsch entweder sprechen kann.

Carter: Daniel, que dit-il?

Jack: Was haben Sie gesagt und warum sprechen Sie Französisch?

Daniel: (thoroughly confused) Well Jack said that he didn't know that he could speak German either. Carter asked what he said, and Jack asked what she said and why are you speaking French.

Teal'c: Yo todavía no puedo dejar de balinado.

Jack: Was?!

DJ: He still can't stop dancing.

Rodney: Perché siamo tutto il parlare le lingue diverse?

DJ: He wants to know why we're speaking different languages.

Carson: How many languages do you know?

DJ: A lot.

Carter: Comment arrêtons-nous? (Translation: How can we stop this?)

DJ: I don't know. Hang on a minute.

He reads some ancient text or other.

DJ: Okay all we have to do is dance the Chicken Dance.

Jack: Sie scherzen, ja? (Translation: You're kidding, right?)

DJ: Nope, everyone in a circle.

Rodney: Questo é ridicolo. (Translation: This is ridiculous)

Carter: Être silencieux et commencer à danser, Rodney. (Translation: Shut up and start dancing, Rodney.)

Rodney: Che? (Translation: What?)

DJ: Since when do you speak Italian?

Carter just shrugs. They all begin to dance. Duh na na na na na nuh, Duh na na na na na nuh. Na na na na. Clap, clap, clap, clap. (If you can picture SG-1, part of SGA-1, Carson, and Gen. Hammond doing the Chicken Dance it prolly looks really weird and really funny. Especially Teal'c doing it.) Na na na na na na na naa. Na nana nana. Na na na na na na na naa. Naa na na Nana Na na na na! Duh na na na na na nuh, etc.

Carson: How much longer do we keep this up, lad?

DJ: until everyone speaks English again. Are you guys still speaking different languages?

Jack: Ja.

Carter: Oui.

Teal'c: Verdaderamente

Rodney: Yes. I mean no! Alright! I don't speak Italian any more! Whoot!

He does his victory Chicken Dance.

Jack: Glücklich. (Translation: Lucky)

Teal'c: Verdaderamente.

DJ: Just keep dancing guys.

GH: How exactly is this supposed to help?

DJ: The hieroglyphics on the machine said that if the gods are angered, an event like the Tower of Babel will occur.

Jack: So, wir haben der Hänchen Gott von tanzen zornig gemacht? (Translation: So we made the Chicken god of Dancing mad?)

DJ: Yep, pretty much.

Carson: Surely, there must be a betta way to do this.

DJ: There's no alternative, and don't call me Shirley.

**Carson: Ok. Alright. (to himself) Someone secretly played with dolls as a kid. **

**DJ: Did you say something?**

**Carson: Me?! No, no. cough crazy cough**

**Everyone is still dancing.**

**Jack: So, how do we know if we're done? **

**Carter: I'd guess just to make sure that we all understand each other, except for Daniel.**

**DJ: Why not me? **

**John: Well, it's pretty hard to get what you're saying even in English. **

**Teal'c: Verdaderamente. **

**Carson: Well, keep dancin', lads. Dancin' will make all the foreign languages go away.**

**GH: Is everyone back to normal.**

**All Except Teal'c: Yes!**

**Teal'c: No.**

**John: That was English, right? I'm pretty sure that was English. **

**Teal'c: Ésto no es ingles. **

**Jack: He's still speakin' Spanish 'cause Spanish speakers are always the hardest to get rid of. **

**GH: Eh. Why not?**

DJ: Wait! Stop dancing.

Carter: But won't that kill him?

DJ: I don't know, I'm not a scientist!

Rodney: Well, I am?

Carter: So will he die?

Rodney: I dunno. It's not like I'm a doctor.

Everyone looks at Carson.

Carson: What?

**All are still doing the chicken dance.**

**Jack: But I thought the squiggles on the shiny thing said for all to dance until this is solved or suffer the consequences. Or something like that. That's always how it is. **

**John: He's got a point there. **

**GH: Well, I'm tired, and I'm late for my granddaughter's play. So, do what you end up doing anyways, Jack. **

**Jack: Aye Aye, Captain. **

**He stops dancing and since he stopped everyone does the same. **

**Jack: See? Nothin' to worry about. **

**As soon as he says this, everyone except Teal'c goes "Poof" in a big cloud of smoke all disappearing-like.**

**Teal'c¡¿Qué?!**

* * *

So that was the first chapter. I think I translated everything. If you know the language and the translations were wrong, please correct them. I used a translator for the French, Italian, and Spanish. The German came from me and the Spanish in bold came from Jon. Hope you liked. The next chapter of randomness will be up soon! 


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone! I realized that I didn't have a disclaimer in the first chapter, so here it is: If you've seen it before, it's not mine. Enjoy the chapter and please review!

PhantomKat is in normal and **Jon is in Bold.**

* * *

Elsewhere, in a different dimension... Everyone else has landed in a large cavern-like place.

Voice: Welcome, foolish mortals.

Jack: Thor?

DJ: Yes, I am. Thanks for asking.

Jack: Not you! That voice. Someone give me a match or something.

Someone strikes a match and the room is less dark. They can see that they're in a room, not a cave. The match goes out.

Voice: Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding…

They light another match and the voice goes away.

DJ: The voice only talks when it's dark.

Rodney: No shiz, Sherlock. How'd you come up with that brilliant conclusion?

**DJ: Just makin' sure everyone's on the same page. **

**Rodney: Well, stop it! I think we're all capable of figuring things out for ourselves. So don't do it again. **

**Jack, being the resourceful rascal that he is, lights a torch, which hw made out of a gum wrapper, a shoelace, a paperclip, and a stick.**

**DJ: Whoa, a torch.**

**Rodney glares at him.**

**Carson: Where'd you get that? **

**Jack: Ever since my police academy days, I learned to carry around seemingly non-relevant, random objects with me wherever I go. It has saved my life more than once. Also, good at parties. **

**Rodney: I'm sorry, but it is impossible to save your life with just some random, seemingly useless objects. You need highly advanced technology based on alien technology. **

**Jack: I can do twice the stuff you can do without using your shinies. **

**Rodney: No, you can't. **

**Jack: Yes, I can.**

**Rodney: No, you can't.**

**Jack: (a little aggravated) Yes, I can.**

**Rodney: No, you can't!**

**Jack: Yes, I can!**

**Jack pushes Rodney into a wall. Something lights up a spot in the middle of the room. An image starts to appear all shimmery-like. It's Thor, the human perceived god of thunder. **

Thor: I am Thor!!

His voice is loud and booming.

DJ: Why? Did you hit your head?

Thor: Everyone's a comic.

Jack: Thor, where are we?

Voice from the dark: I can answer that.

Rodney peers over Jack's shoulder and into the darkness. Jack's got a death grip on Rodney's throat.

Rodney: (half-choking) Who are you?

Voice: That's not important. What's important is where you are.

Carter: So where are we?

The owner of the voice steps out from the shadows. He is tall and handsome-ish. He's wearing a black suit with a crisp white shirt and a narrow black tie. A cigarette dangles from his right hand. His other hand rests in his left trouser pocket.

Man: You are in a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of body and mind. (starts the Twilight Zone theme) You're in the Twilight Zone (sound of shattering mirror).

The SG peeps look at each other like "What?!"

Carson: Are ye daft man?

Man (Who is Rod Serling): No, but you might be if you do not escape…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

DJ: So, why were we transported and not Teal'c?

Rod: If there's one thing I know it's that anything can happen in…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!) Plus, there's a no alien rule.

John: But isn't that what a few of the episodes are based on?

Rod: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, only a few of them. Usually, it's just the bizarre occurences that happen to humans inside…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

Rodney: Can you stop saying that? Geez, you're worse that Teal'c.

Rod: Are you denying the fact that you are inside…the Twilight Zone?

**Carson: Where's that music coming from?**

**DJ: Don't you know that all ascentiate beings come equipped with their own dramatic chords and background music? **

**Rodney: And just how do you know that? **

**DJ: Well, I myself have ascended more than once, and I remember this suave guy in the roadside diner place, who always smoked and was talking about some other dimension called, the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)**

Rod: Daniel Jackson, you of all people should know that all I talk about is…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

**John: That's cool and all, but why are you here? **

Rod: Well, right now you're cramping my style and invading my coolness bubble, so I'm going to get you out of…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

**DJ: (to SG peeps) This guy says he'll get us out of here.**

**Rodney: Um, duh. We can all speak English, you know.**

**DJ: But I…**

**Rodney: No. **

**DJ: But…**

**Rodney: No. **

**DJ: Fine.**

**Rodney: Good. **

Carter: Are you two done?

They fall silent.

Rod: There is only one way to exit this bizarre dimension that is called…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

An elevator 'ding' is heard. A pair of elevator doors slide open.

Rod: You may recognize this as a normal service elevator. It will take you on a journey. A journey out of…the Twilight Zone. (Bum Bum BUM!)

Jack: We have to get on that to get out of here?

Rod: Yes. Who wants to be first to get out of…the Twilight Zone? (Bum Bum BUM!)

Rodney: Personally, I think Daniel should go first. After all, he has the best chance of coming back if he dies.

The others (except DJ) nod in agreement.

DJ: You're just jealous.

Rodney sticks his tongue out at him.

Rod: Well then, if you will just step this way so you can get out of…

DJ: The Twilight Zone. I know. Give it a rest, Rod.

Rod looks a little miffed. A creepy Vincent Price looking bellhop straps DJ into a chair in the center of the elevator.

Vincent Price-like Bellhop: If you need anything, please don't hesitate to scream. Have a frightfully good fall…I mean, trip.

He does an awesome Vincent Price/Paul Frees laugh. DJ looks a little nervous. The elevator doors begin to close.

DJ: Rod? Are you sure this is a good idea…

His last word is turned into a scream as the elevator plummets (Ha! I said plummets!) About a minute later the elevator comes back up and the doors open with a 'ding'.

Rod: Who's next?


	3. Chapter 3

And now...the moment you've all been waiting for...Chapter Three! Seriously though, I don't own Stargate, anything Disney, or anything else that seems familiar. Enjoy the chapter and please review!

Remember PhantomKat is in normal font and **Jon is in bold.**

* * *

**Everyone looks at Rodney. **

**Rodney: Well, don't look at me. I'm the smart, indispensable scientist. Use the new guy. **

**Jack: Wait, what new guy? **

**Rod: What about that guy in the back of…the Twi…? (cut off by Jack)**

**Jack: D'you mean the guy in the spiffy red and black jumpsuit with a shiny metal star-lookin' thing on his chest. **

**Rod nods. **(Ha! That sorta rhymes!)

**Carter: Where'd you come from?**

**Carson: What's your name lad?**

**Crewman #6: I'm Ensign…Ensign… (in a nervous breakdown, starts sobbing)**

**Rodney: (smiling and perky) Perfect. Make him go. **

**Carson: Are ya daft man? **

**Rodney: Of course not. Can't you tell he's expendable?**

**Carson: He's a human being.**

**Rodney: He doesn't have a name. And look at his uniform, only a red, basic jumpsuit with no decorations at all. **

**Jack: He's got a point.**

**Carter: But what does he have to do with anything?**

**Rodney: Carter, Carter, Carter. He's obviously expendable. **

**Carter: So?**

**Rodney: So, put him into that creepy elevator.**

**John: Well then, what was the point of Daniel going first?**

**Jack: It was Daniel. (duh)**

John: Well, where's Daniel?

Silence. Elsewhere, in a diner:

DJ: Could I have another cup of coffee please?

Back to the cavern. The ground begins to rumble.

Jack: What the…?

The earthquake continues and rock plummets (that's right, I said plummets) from the ceiling. Suddenly, a huge stalactite breaks off from the ceiling and crushes Random Crewman #6.

Rodney: Great there goes our guinea pig.

John: I thought Daniel was our guinea pig.

Carter: Mr. Serling, is there any other way to get out of here?

Rod: No. You must descend through time and space to get out of…the Twilight Zone.

Rodney: Please don't start that again.

John: Whoa! You actually said 'please'.

Rodney: I've said 'please' plenty of times.

John: Like when?

While Rodney tries to remember, the bellhop steps out from behind Rod.

Bellhop: I know another way out.

Jack: Weren't you all Vincent Price-ish just a minute ago?

Bellhop: Yes, but we Q can do most anything.

Carter: So you're…

Bellhop: Q.

Rod: Hey! You're ruining the plot.

Q: Please. I'm just offering a better solution, Rod. Now, go off and host your little show or I'll send you to another dimension.

Rod: I travel dimensions almost everyday. Plus, I'm ascended. I have just as much power as you.

Q: Do not.

Rod: Do too.

Q: Do not.

Rod: Do too.

Q: Do not!

Rod: Do too!

Carson: Stop it! Ye sound like John and Rodney.

John & Rodney: Hey!

Carter: Q, what is your alternative solution?

Q throws an arm around Carter's shoulders.

Q: It's very simple. You do a little favour for me and I snap my fingers and get you out of here.

Carter: What kind of favour?

Q: All you have to do is have my child.

Rodney: That seems familiar. Wasn't it on Star Trek once?

Q: Um…maybe. Anyway, what d'you say?

Carter: I say that I'd rather take my chances with the elevator.

Q: Suit yourselves.

He disappears with a snap of his fingers.

Rodney: You should have taken his offer.

Carter: Are you crazy?!

Rodney: Yes, I mean, no, I mean…I-I…

He bursts into tears. Everyone looks at each other.

John: Throw him in the elevator.

Rodney is thrown into the elevator and Rod sends him plummeting down. When the elevator opens, Rodney is in the same diner DJ is.

Rodney: Could it be? Have I died and ascended?

DJ: Nope, this is just some diner down the street. Coffee?

Rodney: What?! That's not fair!

**DJ just keeps sippin' on his coffee, ignoring Rodney. **

**Jack: (standing right behind Rodney) Boo!**

**Rodney jumps like a startled cat. If you've startled a cat before, you know what I'm talkin' about. Wa ha, you know you're laughing right now. How can you be so insensitive? Startled cats, wet cats, cats walking atop a fence only to find out too late that there was a ledge there and trying to hard to get back upright (its efforts are futile, of course). If you have seen any of these, you should be laughing. Back to the Story!**

**Rodney grabs at his racing heart. Jack and the rest of the gang (except Teal'c) are now all sitting on the swivel chairs at the counter, looking at Rodney, and trying to contain their laughter. **Well, most of them. John is giggling and spinning around on one of the stools.

Rodney: Where'd y'all come from?

Jack: Well, Rod became preoccupied with a ventriloquist's dummy that had come to life and just sent us here.

Rodney: Where's that silent guy?

Carter: Who? Teal'c? He's probably still back at the SGC.

John suddenly (and randomly) falls off his stool and onto the hard tile floor.

**Big Muscle-y Blackish Mexican Waiter Guy: Ey mein. Joe wants anadah cup o' coaffee?**

**DJ: Hey, look! It's Teal'c!**

**John: (still on the floor) Teal'c?!**

**Jack: How da hell did you get here? And where is here? **

**Teal'c: Well, ahfter joo'all left mei here, securitee troug mei out 'caos ohf myee accent. So, I had to geet eh job at de diner down de street. An I 'ad to learn 'ow to speek Eenglesh again. **(Translation: Well, after you all left me here, security threw me you 'cause of my accent. So, I had to get a job at the diner down the street. And I had to learn how to speak English again.)

**Rodney: (being his sarcastic self) Wow, a true Lifetime wetback comeback story. **

**Carter gives him an evil stare. **

**Funny Hat-Wearin' Waitress: Would you like a spoonful of sugar in your coffee?**

**DJ: Oh, uh, no thank you.**

**Same Waitress: But don't you know…that…just a spoonful of sugar helps the cup o' joe go down, the cup o' joe go down, the cup o' joe go down. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!**

**She starts to ding more, but Rodney interrupts.**

**Rodney: Stop that! Stop that! There'll be none o' that while I'm here. And Daniel already said he didn't want any, so just bugger off. **

**The gang, including Teal'c, head for the exit of the diner. As they exit, it gets all windy inside the diner. It seems a guy in the corner ordered tomato soup and is mow trying to part the red soup. But that's not weird at all. (Ha! Irony) The team thinks nothing of it and head on out the diner. **As they step outside a bright light comes down form the sky and hits Teal'c in his chest, knocking him flat on his back.

John: Ha! I'm not the only one.

Teal'c sits up woozily.

Teal'c: What has happened?

Jack: Well, you turned Spanish for a while and we got transported to the Twilight Zone.

Teal'c: That must have been an enlightening experience.

DJ: I guess you could call it that.

Carter: Let's just get back to the SGC before anything else happens.

They start to walk down the street when two men walk in their general direction. One is walking like a man on a mission. The other is walking quickly and trying to catch up while adamantly trying to explain something.

Second Guy: Ben, I'm telling you. It's the Stargate!

Ben: First of all Riley, there's no actual proof that this thing exists. Secondly, why would Masons for the 1700s use probably undiscovered alien technology?

Riley: Because, maybe other Masons re-hid the second treasure there later on.

Ben: I don't think so.

Riley: What did the clue say? It said to look for a "gate between worlds." This gate connects Earth and different planets. It _is_ a gate between worlds.

Ben: Riley, that clue could mean a lot of different things. It could mean a port.

Riley: Then why are we in Colorado? We're completely landlocked. (He notices Carter and the other SG peeps.) Hey!

He runs up to them with Ben right behind him. The team tries to cover up their SG patches.

Carter: Can we help you?

Riley: Yeah! You're Samantha Carter, right?

Carter: Yes.

Riley: Is the Stargate real?

Carter: Um…sir, you wanna take this one?

Jack: Nope, you're doing just fine.

Carter: Fine. No, it's not real.

Riley: Then what's up with that guy's forehead?

Riley points at Teal'c.

Jack: That was an unfortunate incident. We went up to Canada and Teal'c here, well he got completely trashed. Then he fell (literally) into the hands of some renegade TV make-up artists, and he's had that mark as a reminder ever since. So tragic.

Teal'c: O'Neill, what does this word, "trashed", mean?

Jack: Well, Teal'c, remember that time we were at my place and I downed all those brewskies?

Teal'c nods.

Jack: Well, remember afterwards when I jumped in the lake for no apparent reason?

Teal'c: Was that before or after you drove your car into the tree and then off the dock and you were slurring your words.

Jack: Uh…I don't remember. The point is do you remember it?

Teal'c: Indeed, I do, O'Neill.

Jack: Well, I was completely trashed.

Teal'c: You were highly intoxicated.

Jack: Exactly.

Riley: Um…guys? What does this have to do with whether there's a Stargate or not?

**Jack: You must be thinking of Wormhole Xtreme. **

**Riley: No. Their aliens are grey. Everyone knows that real aliens are green.**

Jack: Well that's the thing with movies and TV shoes; they usually mess things up.

Riley: So, it's not real?

The team members cross their fingers behind their backs.

Jack: Of course not.

Riley: Fine then.

He walks off, dejected with Ben following him, trying to cheer him up.

DJ: That was close.

Booming Voice: Colonel O'Neill.

Jack: God?

Booming Voice: No, it's General Hammond.

Jack: God is General Hammond?

GH: (exasperated) No.

Jack: Then why is your voice all loud and booming?

GH: I'm using that new earpiece we gave you.

Jack: Oh, right. Heh, heh…I knew that.

GH: I need all of you back to the SGC immediately…if not sooner.

Jack: We're on our way.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, so I'm really sorry that I haven't been able to update for two weeks. A lot has happened. I took an AP test and a standardized test, Pirates 3 came out (whoot!), and they killed Carson, for which I cried a little and I freely admit it. Of course, I didn't cry as much as when Wash died, but whatever. Yeah, you've probably skipped over this or are like 'please get to the story', so here it is. Remember I'm in normal font and **Jon is in bold. **Disclaimer: I don't own anything Stargate, Twilight Zone, Disney, or anything else you've seen before. Enjoy! Read and review please! **  
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**The SGers are waiting for the elevator to arrive. The down button has already been pressed, but Jack, being his immature self, is pressing the button repeatedly to make it go faster. The elevator finally arrives at the "ground floor" level. **

**Jack: See…told you it would get here faster. **

**Everyone starts to enter the elevator that leads to Gen. Hammond. Carter enters first and pushes the right button, she's done this how many times? Of course, she presses the right button. Jack is the last to enter the full elevator. Being crowded, Jack stumbles into the button panel. **

**Jack: Hey, it looks like a lit-up Christmas tree.**

**SGers let out a sigh of frustration. Carter smacks her forehead with her hand. **

**Jack: (Somewhat oblivious) What?**

**The doors close. Cut the annoying elevator music! (Think of Shrek in the shopping court of Duloc) The elevator starts descending. **

**DJ: Ooo, music, that's new. **

**The number scroller changes from 1 to 2 (because underground facilities have the biggest numbered level at the bottom.) Ding! The doors open. **

**Jack: Second floor. Kitchen appliances, toiletries, and dog food. **

**John: (to Carter) You don't actually keep dog food at the base, do you?**

**The doors close.**

**Carter: Nah, but you can't help but wonder what all is kept on all these different levels. I've never been to them all. **

**Level 3. Ding! Doors open and close. **

**John: So…you don't really know what all could be down here. **

**Carter: Right. What are you getting at?**

**John: Well, have you ever seen…shifting shadows, you know…forgotten experiments gone bad.**

**Carson: You mean there could be a creature running loose inside the base?**

**Level 4. Ding! Doors open. Carson runs out screaming something about Zombies and Basilisks. Doors close. **

**Jack: Well, let's hope he can find his way down to General Hammond. Lest he be lost to who knows what. Heh heh. **

**Carter gives him the look. **

**DJ: Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine. There's signs and colour-coded arrows he can follow. **

**Level 5. Ding! Doors open. **

**There's a crewman waiting at the doors and he's eating chocolate pudding. **

**Crewman #1: (still not knowing the elevator has arrived) Mmm…pudding. I love you. You taste so good, I want some more. **

**He takes another bite and spins halfway around facing the elevator to discover that the SGers are just staring at him with that blank, slack-jawed look. **

**Crewman #1: Do you think there's room for one more?**

**John: Well…ya see…it's already kinda full. And I just don't think that we can…**

**Jack cuts him off. **

**Jack: No.**

**CM #1: But can't you just…**

**Jack: No. **

**CM #1: But I can…**

**Jack: NO.**

**Rodney starts to press the close button on the elevator panel repeatedly. The doors start to close. **

**CM #1: Wait! Wait!**

**He gets cut off by the closed doors. **

**John: Good job, Rodney. Now if only you could work faster when we tell you to. **

**Rodney: why do you all hire so many crazy people?**

**The SG1ers look at him. **

Jack: Crazy people? What crazy people? That guy was completely normal.

**Ding! Level 6. Doors open. **

**John: Hey, isn't that Carson?**

**He points toward a man who is running like a crazy person, screaming something about a sharkman and a rabid squirrel, and fearing for his life because there's a hungry black man following him and Carson's pockets are full of watermelons and fried chicken. Carson sees that the elevator with the SGers is there and makes a run towards them. He finally gets into the elevator. **

**Carter: Are you okay?**

**Carson, still a bit twitchy/fidgety, still seems a bit crazy, but looks like he's getting better. **

**Doors close. **

**Carson: It was horrible. Just horrible. I had found some watermelon slices and fried chicken in the mess hall and I took the last ones. And there was a big black guy standing right behind me. So, I started to run again, but he chased after me. I passed a strange, puddin' eatin' guy and he totally got decked by the black guy. Luckily, he like that guy's puddin' better than havin' to run after me. **

**Rodney: Like I said, crazy people. **

**Teal'c: Do I smell…chicken wings?**

**His pupils dilate. The veins in his forehead and neck bulge. He starts breathing faster and heavier.**

**Jack: Oh no, not again! Not now! Quick, hold him down! It's time this box got sent on the express flight. **

**Jack goes to the elevator control panel and takes off the faceplate. He takes out a wire here and sticks one over there. **

**Jack: Does anyone have a paper clip? Gum? A ballpoint pen?**

**Carson: I've got a pointed stick.**

**Jack: Never mind.**

**He opens a secret compartment in the bottom of his boot and takes out a small box. He opens that up to reveal a piece of gum, a shoelace, several paper clips, 2 clicky pens, a match, and a dry-erase marker. **

**Teal'c: Me want fried chicken!**

**Carter: Hurry, sir! Whatever you're gonna do, do it now! **

**Ding! Level 7. Doors open. **

**Jack takes apart one of the pens and after that goes so fast with his gadget making, it could not be recorded in this story. But 4 seconds later…**

**The elevator goes into a freefall with the doors still open. The level counter just flashes then burns out with a flash and pop.**

**SGers: Ahhhhhhhh!**

**Teal'c: Chicken!**

**Then the elevator suddenly changes direction and goes up.**

**Carter: What did you do?!**

**Jack: The down part was me, but I didn't make it go up.**

**The elevator goes down again. **

**SGers: Ahhhhh!**

**Teal'c: Chicken!**

**Carson: Mine!**

**The elevator goes up again. **

**John: That doesn't feel good. **

**Teal'c: Chicken!**

**Carson: You can't have any!**

**The elevator stops. It's dark outside the elevator doors. There is some lightning. **

**Jack: Well, if this don't seem familiar. **

**Concealed Voice: You have reached a place not only of sound and sight, but also of mind. **

**The voice just keeps going on about how cool this place is, this place called…the Twilight Zone. (Bum bum BUM!)**

**Jack: Ok, Rod. Come on out. We've all had enough of this. **

**Rod: Oh, alright. I just got a little lonely in…the Twilight Zone. (Bum bum BUM!)**

**Teal'c: Me want fried chicken!**

**Carson: No! My chicken!**

**Teal'c: Watermelon!**

**Carson: You can't have any!**

**Teal'c starts to break free from the restraints of the SGers, but he is pinned back down. **

**John: As nice as it is to see you again, Rod, would you mind giving us a hand? **

**Rod: Well…OK.**

**Rod waves his hand (sorta like a Jedi). The fried chicken and watermelon float out of Carson's pockets toward Teal'c. Teal'c does the Matrix dog pile thing from the second Matrix and totally throws all the SGers off him. Teal'c grabs the chicken and scarfs it down in a second, and it was gone. Then, the watermelon was grabbed, eaten, and the rind left on the ground. **

**Jack: Look out! He's got seeds! **

**Teal'c starts spitting out the seeds all machine gun-like. Everyone takes cover except Rod. He's ascended, so he's got his own personal shield bubble. Teal'c runs out of seeds and is satisfied and back to normal. **(Normal for him anyway.)

**Carson lets out a cry like after Vader cuts off Luke's hand and tells him he's his father. **

**Carson: Nooooooooo! No!**

**Jack: Stop whining.**

**Carson: But he took my chicken. **

**Rod: Ya, sure. You betcha. But come with me and you can rule over your own fried chicken joint. **

**Carson: While that sounds really tempting,…no. I will never join you. **

**Rod: Fine. Be that way. Just leave me here in…the Twilight Zone. (Bum bum BUM!)**

**John: We would, but…uh…you're kinda keeping us here. It would be nice if you could just transport us to General Hammond's office. **

**Rod: Fine. Just don't forget who helped you all get out, once again, from…the Twilight Zone. (Bum bum BUM!)**

**With a wave of his hand, the doors close while Rod says "please, feel free to scream." The doors are shut for about 6 seconds. The elevator plummets to Level 24. The SGers screaming all the way. **

**Ding! Level 24. Doors open.**

**Jack: Let's do that again! **

**Carter gives him yet another glare and the SGers start to walk down the hallway. **General Hammond sees them as they get off the elevator.

GH: There you are! Come into the briefing room.

They enter the briefing room and sit down.

GH: Now this next mission is going to be dangerous.

DJ: No disrespect meant sir, but aren't most of our missions dangerous? I mean no matter where we go either I die, Teal'c fights one of his enemies and almost gets killed, or Jack makes something explode.

Jack grins.

GH: That's true, but on this mission, you're going to PXN813.

SGers: Oooo.

GH: Their Stargate was activated while you all were out and someone came out only to go right back in. Actually, it was two people and they both wore blue gloves. So when you go through use caution. We don't know who these people are or if they're hostile or friendly. Also, all of you are going including the SGA team. There's safety in numbers, you know.

John: Not with Rodney there's not.

Rodney: Right back at ya, Mr. Ooo-what's-this-shiny-button-do.

John: Hey, that was only one time!

Rodney: Last week.

John: Well, as I recall it you said 'Go ahead, John. Maybe it needs the ATA gene to activate it.'

Rodney: I didn't say that.

John: Did too.

Rodney: Did not.

John: Did too!

Rodney: Did not!

Carter: Are you sure those two aren't related?

Carson: As sure as we can be.

Meanwhile, John and Rodney have decided to play Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who's right.

John & Rodney: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rodney chose rock and John chose something that doesn't look like a rock, paper, or scissors.

Rodney: What's that?

John: Steam shovel.

Rodney: What?!

John: Paper beats rock, rock crushes scissors, scissors cut paper, and steam shovel breaks rock. I don't make the rules.

Rodney: This isn't over.

The SGers suit up and head for the Gate Room. The sequence is initiated and that blue liquid-y stuff appears. They all look at each other, nod, and head into the wormhole.


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, here's Chapter 5 and I hope you all enjoy it. Sorry for the shortness and this chapter is all me. Just a little gripe, I've had over 250 hits and only 6 reviews, so I'm going to be mean. I'll only update if I get 7 or more reviews. To those who actually review, thank you. Enjoy the chapter. Disclaimer's at the end.

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The SGers come out of a Gate in a strange metal room. It actually looks like a ship's hold.

Jack: Where are we?

DJ: I don't know. Let me find something to translate and I'll tell you.

He quickly looks around, but does not find any hieroglyphics, runes, or symbols of any kind.

DJ: (freaking out) There's nothing to translate! There's always something to translate! Why is there nothing to translate?!

He starts to hyperventilate. Carson rolls his eyes and hands him a paper bag.

Carter: You handled that quite calmly.

Carson: When it happens to John and Rodney on a regular basis, you get used to it.

Carter nods in understanding.

John & Rodney: Hey!

A male voice comes down from metal staircases in the room.

Voice: Kaylee! What's all that noise? Did some terrifying space monkeys get loose again?

Jack: Please don't let it be Rod again.

A brown-haired man in tight pants comes out of a doorway and looks down at the SGers.

Man: Wash!

Another man in a flight suit and a Hawaiian shirt comes out behind him carrying a pair of plastic dinosaurs.

Wash: Yes, Captain?

Man (inevitably the Captain): Wash, you care to tell me why there are a lot of extra people on my boat?

Wash: How should I know, Captain, you hire me to fly this thing. I'm not a transportation engineer.

A dark haired woman comes out of another doorway and onto the catwalk. Another young woman comes out behind her.

Woman 1: Mal, what's going on?

Kaylee: Are we taking on passengers again, Captain?

Mal: Nothing that concerns you to the first question and no, Kaylee, not to my knowledge. I have no idea who these folk are.

Another male voice joins in the discussion.

Man: Does that mean that I can shoot 'em?

Yet another woman walks out; Zoe. She is dark-skinned and holds a sort of shotgun in her hands.

Zoe: I don't think you should shoot them just yet, Jayne.

Jayne: But I'd do it politely.

Zoe: Jayne!

Rodney: I thought Jayne was a girl's name.

Jayne glares at him and raises his gun.

Jayne: You got something to say, _ni hun qiu_(1)?

Rodney: What?

DJ, being the linguist that he is, got the translation, has stopped hyperventilating, and is now snickering into his hand.

DJ: Snicker.

Rodney still looks perplexed as a young girl walks up to him. She looks at him curiously and Rodney backs away. He's never really liked kids you know. Yet another man runs out after the young woman.

Man: River!

River examines Rodney closely, he starts to breath faster, and Carson pulls out another paper bag.

River: Don't like children. Used to be one, but forgot. Got to see the sky again and realise what you are, like the cows.

Rodney: What? Did she just call me a cow?

River giggles and gives him a peck on the cheek before skipping back to her brother (that other guy how came in)

Rodney's eyes widen.

Rodney: She touched me! Oh my God! She touched me! Carson!

Carson rolls his eyes yet again and throws Rodney antibacterial spray. He grabs it out of the air and sprays it liberally over his body.

Book walks in, concentrating on his Bible. He looks up to see all the people standing around looking at each other.

Book: What's going on in here?

Mal: I'm not rightly sure, Preacher, but I intend to find out.

Some of you may wonder why in the shiny 'verse Book and Wash are in here if they were killed in the movie. (If you didn't see the movie and this was how you found out…well, I'm sorry.) I believe that _Serenity_ happened in an Alternate Universe, so in the real Universe, they are still alive. Sorry to slow up the story.

Mal walks down to Jack who happens to be in front.

Mal: Seems that I've got some unwanted passengers on my boat. I'd like to know what's going on now, and if you don't much feel like talkin' now, I'm sure we can have a nice chat in the airlock. I don't like problems on my boat.

Kaylee: Captain, I'm sure that everything's shiny and it's not gonna be a problem, 'cause…it's not.

Jack: Is he always like this?

Simon: The captain has an…interesting way of dealing with people.

Jack: Yeah, I can see that.

Mal: Why don't you get yourself back to the infirmary, doc, just in case there's any doctorin' needs to be done.

He hasn't taken his eyes off the SGers and he keeps giving orders to his crew.

Mal: Zoe, wave Badger and ask him what he ruttin' hell this cargo is. Wash, flick those three switches and stop us. Jayne, you can help me find out about these folk.

Jayne grins and walks forward dropping his gun in favour of a knife.

Mal: Try to do a better job on these than with that Alliance mole.

Book: I will not stand by while there is talk of killing around.

Jayne: Calm down, Preacher, there's not going to be any killin', at least not right away.

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Chinese: (1) you no-good wretch

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So, that's the chapter. Hope you liked it. If you didn't get the three switches joke, well, watch the commentary for the Firefly episode War Stories. I hope I got the Chinese right, if I didn't, could someone please correct me. Yeah, I'm just rambling now. Here's the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly, Stargate, or plastic dinosaurs. Well, I might own those. Let me check. rummages in closet Nope, I don't even own the dinosaurs.

Personal Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for computers that have been destroyed because you have laughed so hard that orange soft drink shot out your nose and onto your computer. Sorry. However laughter and fits of laughter that resemble a seizure, that I can be responsible for. But if you are taken to the hospital because of said fits of laughter, I'm not responsible for your doctor's bill.

Until next time.

Review. You know you want to.


	6. Chapter 6

Ok. Sorry the chapter's kinda late, but somebody wouldn't write the opening. Anyhoo, thanks for all of your awesome reviews. I'm not sure when the next update will be, but just keep on reviewin' and we'll keep on writing. Disclaimer: Same as before. I don't own Stargate, Firefly, or Twister. Enjoy!**  
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**DJ: Wait, wait! Just wait a second. We are but peaceful explorers. Don't we get a say in what happens here?**

**Jayne: Um, let me think…no.**

**Mal: Jayne, stop messin' around and take their weapons already.**

**Jayne: Yeah, yeah. **

**All this time River has been walking around, analyzing the SGers until she is drawn towards Teal'c.**

**River: You must be very burdened to hold such pain inside the bottle of your mind. (Water touches Teal'c's golden emblem thing on his forehead.)**

**Doc: River, stay away from him. He looks dangerous.**

Mal: Doc, I thought I told you to get to the infirmary.

**River continues doin' her thing.**

**Jayne takes the SGers weapons. **Inara comes up to Mal to voice her opinion.

Inara: Mal is this really necessary?

Carter: Daniel, doesn't she look like…?

DJ: Vala's daughter, Adria.

Teal'c: Indeed.

Inara and Mal stare at them puzzled.

Inara: Who?

DJ: She's a team member of ours. But due to some…strange circumstances, she couldn't come.

Teal'c: I believe she is escorting Colonel Mitchell to his reunion again.

DJ: Right.

Teal'c does that slow nod thing that he usually does.

Mal: This is all very interesting, but what are you doing here?

The SGers look at each other trying to figure out what they should tell him, then they look at the captain, then 'Nara, then Jayne who is lovingly stroking his knife. The SGers all look at Jack, who looks back at them and mouths "Me?" They all nod.

Jack rolls his eyes and tries to think up something, anything, that would make sense. Nothing comes to mind, so he settles on the truth.

Jack: Well…

Zoe runs back into the cargo bay from the bridge. She looks a little ticked. Mal sees her, holds up his hand for Jack to stop talking for a minute, and gives Zoe the go-ahead to speak.

Zoe: I couldn't get Badger. Seems like he doesn't want us to know about our cargo.

Mal lets off a stream of angry Chinese.

Mal: That little weasel!

Jack: I thought you said he was a badger.

Mal looks at Jack with a slightly bewildered look, while Jack gives him a closed mouth smile.

**The floor rumbles. Clank. Clank. Silence.**

**Mal: What was that?!**

**Wash: (over the comlink from the bridge/cockpit.) Mal. Um…it happened again.**

**Mal: (To Jack) Now, as much as I'd like to have a stare-down all day, I have captain-y things to attend to. (walks over to the comlink in the wall.)**

**Mal: Wash! Don't tell me the forward buffer panel fell off again. Tell me it didn't happen again.**

**Wash: OK. It didn't happen again.**

**Mal bangs his fist on the wall.**

**Mal: Jayne, (in Chinese) watch them**

**Jayne: Come on. Do I look like a babysitter to you.**

**Mal doesn't give an answer, but walks away through a door.**

**Jack: So…what? We just sit here?**

**Jayne: (Chinese) shut up, you girly swine lover.**

**DJ giggles.**

**Jack: (To DJ) What? (after no answer.) OK. Fine. Two can play at this game. Chu Feis Eis Ki Ling Mei Wit Eit Soh Yu Gli. Yu Kes Yu Mo Tah Wit Tat Mow Uth?**

**River totally pulls a Chuck Norris and roundhouse kicks Jack in the head.**

**Jack: What'd you do that for?**

**River: I don't like nonsense.**

**Mal walks back in.**

**Mal: Well, it's nice to see everyone getting along so great. Now, how is it that you got into my boat?**

**DJ: OOO. I can answer that one. Pick me. I know.**

**Mal: Does anyone else know how you freeloaders got on my boat?**

**DJ: Oh. Come on. Pick me. I know how. (Jumping up and down.) Pick me! Pick me!**

**Mal: Alright, fine. (sigh) How?**

**DJ: Yes! OK. You see that ring over there?**

**Mal: Maybe.**

**DJ: Well, that's a Stargate, and that's how we got here…**

**DJ is cut off by an explosion.**

**Mal: Oh, come on!**

**Wash: (from the comlink) Mal, you'd better get up here! Now! We've got Reavers!**

**Jayne: Aw hell….**

**River had vacated the room several minutes earlier.**

**Another explosion.**

**Mal: Stop putting holes in my ship!**

**Mal enters the bridge/cockpit**

**Mal: Status.**

**Wash: She's holding up, but a couple more hits won't help.**

**Mal: Then get us out of range.**

**Wash: What do you think I'm doing here? Pressing random buttons?**

**Mal: If it'll help.**

**Boom**

**Mal: We're turning left. Why are we turning left?!**

**Kaylee: (comlink) Captain, that last hit took out our left booster. We're leaking plasma! I suggest we land.**

**Wash: Yah, sure. Easy for her to say.**

**Mal: Just do it. **

**River appears behind Mal and pokes in the shoulder twice.**

**Mal: What?!**

**River points to the navigational screen.**

**Mal: Wash! Try going here.**

**Wash: But that's sort of in the other direction and in case you haven't noticed, I've got two more Reavers on my tail.**

**Mal: Just do it.**

**(Wash takes a big breath in, then out.)**

**Wash: OK. I can do this. They can't touch me. I'm a leaf on the wind.**

**Mal: I don't care what you are. Just do it!**

Wash skillfully maneuvers the ship and pulls a couple of sweet tricks that gets them away from the Reavers. He aims for a small planet to land on so that they can make repairs.

Wash: All clear, captain.

Mal: See that it stays that way.

Mal walks back to the cargo bay to see if he can find anything else out.

Mal: You wanna finish explainin' your presence?

Jack: Okay. That thing you're carrying is called a Stargate. It's a way to travel between worlds. How we go here I have no idea. There's usually a device to dial the gate, but you don't seem to have one. Unfortunately for the both of us, that means that we have to stay with you until we find this Badger guy. Maybe he has the DHD.

**Mal: That ol' thing? **(He points to the Stargate)** It was rusting away in an underground museum on that worthless excuse for a wasteland called Earth.**

**DJ: So you know of Earth?**

**Mal: Sure. Who doesn't? It's been abandoned in its own quiet corner of the galaxy for more that 150 years by now.**

**DJ: But how could this…**

He's cut off by another thud.

DJ: (thinking) Not again.

Wash comes out on one of the catwalks.

Wash: Sorry, captain. Wasn't one of my better landings.

Mal rolls his eyes and the rest of the crew come to the cargo bay looking for instructions.

Mal: Kaylee, Shepard, start fixing my boat. Wash, if there's anything amiss in the cockpit, fix it. Zoe, you're with me. Jayne, I expect you're a pretty good babysitter right now, so you can stay here with them.

He looks at Simon and River. River is calmly sitting on a box with her head tilted like a dog listening. Simon watches her uneasily.

Mal: Doc, I know your sister's on the mend, but keep an eye on her.

Simon nods. Mal motions to Zoe to follow him and the two leave the ship. Jayne sits and begins to clean the many weapons that he carries on him. The SGers look at him apprehensively. Kaylee bounds into the cargo bay with a crate in her hands. She heads to the SGers with a huge smile on her face.

Kaylee: Hi there, I'm Kaylee. I don't know if you've eaten yet or whatever so I brought you these.

She holds out the crate. Inside are about two dozen oranges. All of the SGers take one except for Rodney. Instead, he curls up in a fetal position and whimpers to himself.

Rodney: No, not citrus. Bad citrus. Get away! GET AWAY!

Kaylee stares at him.

Kaylee: What's with…

Carson: Oh, he's just allergic to citrus.

Kaylee's smile fades for a second. Then she brightens and pulls something out of her jumpsuit pocket. It's an apple. She hands it to Rodney, who takes it gratefully and starts chowing down.

Kaylee: Well, I have to get back to the engine room. And don't mind the captain, he's a softie when you get to know him.

She skips back to the engine room with the SGers staring at her.

Rodney: Is she always that cheerful?

Jayne: Pretty much.

The SGers sit around for about fifteen more minutes until…

Rodney: I'm bored.

Carson: Why don't you pick a fight with John? You haven't done that in a while.

Rodney: I don't wanna.

Jayne: (to himself) Whiny little…

Rodney: I heard that!

Carter: Sir, don't we have that special kit we could use?

Jack: That's only for emergencies.

Rodney: I'd say this is an emergency.

Jack: Fine. Who has it this time.

Teal'c: I believe that I do.

He reaches into his pack and pulls out a small package that says "Boredom Kit. Use only in cases of Sheer Boredom." He pulls a cord and the package expands and opens. Inside there's bubbles, a paddleball, a yo-yo, and a game of Twister.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER…

Mal and Zoe return to _Serenity_ to find the entire SG team playing Twister. Jayne is still cleaning his weapons. Kaylee and Wash are finished with the ship and are also playing. The game is down to Kaylee and Rodney.

Mal: What in the shiny 'verse is goin' on?

His words startle Kaylee, making lose her balance and fall.

Rodney: Whoo hoo! I win.

Kaylee: Ah, captain, what'd you do that for? One more spin and I woulda beat him.

Mal: Never mind that. Wash, any idea where we are?

Wash: The Reavers knocked out part of our navigation systems. I powered 'em back up, but we won't know for a few hours.

Mal: 'Nara. Any of that fancy equipment o' yours know where we are?

Inara shakes her head.

Mal: Alrighty then. We're just gonna have to wait until the systems are back up so we can figure out where we are.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey everyone! I'm sorry this took so long, but here is another chapter of Gate Notes! I know you are all excited, and I hope you will let me now how excited in a review! Standard disclaimer applies. Enjoy!

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Jack: So, we don't know where we are?

Teal'c: O'Neill, that is incorrect. We are on a transport ship of some kind.

Kaylee: She's not just a transport ship. Serenity's the best ship in the 'verse.

Teal'c: You see, O'Neill. We are on the Serenity.

Jack: Thank you, Teal'c, but you know what I meant.

Jack stands up and looks at the rest of the SGers. Rodney's rolling up the Twister mat while doing a happy victory dance. Yes, it is as scary as it sounds. Carson has somehow found bagpipes and is playing them quietly. Actually, can you play bagpipes quietly? Huh. Anyway... Carter, John, and Daniel are apparently really bored, as they are doing the Macarena.

Carter, John, and Daniel: Hey, Macarena!

Teal'c is trying to figure out how one does the Macarena and what its significance is. Jack sighs audibly.

Jack: Look. Let's go out and see if there's a Stargate anywhere. C'mon. Pack it up.

Rodney and Carson grumble, but comply. John, Daniel, and Carter, however, are still Macarena-ing. Teal'c has figured out the dance and joins them.

John, DJ, Carter, and Teal'c: Hey, Macarena!

Rodney: Why are we the only ones working?

Carson shrugs. Jack goes over to the mini-boom box and switches it off.

John: Right in the middle of my dance moves!

Jack: Now we're going out to the surface. There will be no lollygagging, no dancing, no singing, and no horseplay.

Rodney: Hee hee, you said lollygagging.

DJ has not really been paying attention. Instead, he's been turning around and humming "Macarena."

Jack: What did I say about singing?

DJ: I'm not singing, I'm humming.

Jack: Daniel, what did I say about trying my patience?

DJ: To not to.

Jack: Thank you. Now grab your gun and follow me.

Carter: Um, sir? Telling him to get his gun may not be the best idea right now.

Jack: Right...Uh, Daniel, no hard feelings, right?

DJ cocks his gun.

DJ: Of course not.

Jack turns to Mal and gestures to the doors.

Jack: Can you let us out?

Mal nods and pushes one of the buttons on the console next to the doors. The only sound is the doors opening.

Jack: There's no hard feelings here, right?

Mal: I was just lookin' out for me and mine. I'd expect you'd do the same.

Jack nods and heads out the doors with the team following him. They keep going for quite a while. The terrain is rocky and it gave an aura of foreboding. They reached a flat, round clearing in the rocks where two groups of people stood. They heard snippets of conversation. Rodney came to the front to see what the hold up was.

Rodney: What's going…Oh. My. God. It's Kirk and Picard.

Jack: Is that who that is.

Rodney is speechless. He just nods.

They listen in on the Starship Captain's conversations.

Picard: Hopefully, I can have this finished soon and we'll be able to get out of here.

Data: Captain, you misused 'hopefully'. Do not be alarmed, it's a very common mistake. You should say 'I am hopeful that I can have this finished soon'. By saying hopefully, you are saying: 'Full of hope, I can have this finished soon'. It does not make sense.

Picard: Uh, thank you Mr. Data.

On the other side of the circle, Kirk and his crew are prepping.

Spock: I'm not sure how logical this is, Captain. This is usually a Vulcan undertaking.

Kirk: I'm sorry…I… can't hear you…over…the sound of…how awesome…I am.

Spock: Are you sure that you are all right to do this, captain? Especially after what happened this morning?

Cue Lost flashback music:

_**(dramatic chord)**_

_**Jim: Spawk, whatare wegoing to donow? **_

_Spock: That is highly illogical, Captain. _

_**Jim: Are you challengingmeto adeath match, Spawk? **_

_Spock: Spawk? _

_**Jim: How do youspell it then? **_

_Spock: Spock. _

_**Jim: You can rear 100,000children, but you can'teventellpeople yourreal name.**_

_Spock raises an eyebrow_

_Spock: 100,000 children, Captain? That is highly illogical._

_**Jim: But,isn't thatwhatthe nameof yourbook iscalled? Or maybeit was fromyour times at the academy. **_

_Spock: Captain, are you…intoxicated? _

_**Jim looks puzzled at Spock, like "Huh?"**_

_**Jim: I'll pretendthatyoudidn't just saya really longwordthat I think you've called me before.**_

_Spock: I'm sorry, Captain. Are you…drunk? _

_**Jim: Are youaccusing your señor officer (pushes out his chest trying to be macho) ofusingtribbles when I ran outof beer? Because I willhave you know (pokes with pointer finger on Spock's chest like the drunk captain he is.) that I findthatveryattractive. (Capt. Kirk passes out into Spock's Vulcanly calm self.)**_

_Spock: This is highly illogical. _

_**Spock tries to stand Jim back up and Jim does the whole timber fall to the ground. Spock doesn't show much emotion in his face but you can tell he's saying "I don't know why I even tried that." He picks up one of Jim's feet and starts to drag him to the infirmary.**__A few people stare at him wondering what happened._

_Bones: What happened?!_

_Spock: I'm sure everyone's wondering that. _

_Bones takes Jim's vitals. __**When Bones gets to taking Jim's pulse, something is different. The heartbeat sounds like 'Jingle Bells.' **_

_Kirk suddenly sits up. _

_Kirk: KHAN!!!!_

_Kirk lays back down, unconscious._

_**Spock: Such outbursts of emotion would never be tolerated on Vulcan. Such activities are illogical. **_

_**Bones restraines the unconscious Jim.**_

_**Bones: I'm just doing it for safe measure, Spock. There's nothing to worry about. **_

_**Spock raises his eyebrow.**_

_**Bones: I'm just gonna do a full body scan to find out what made him do that whole "I live!" thing.**_

_**Bones finishes his scan. He is now looking at the results. **_

_**Bones: No…this can't be right. I can't say that it hasn't happened before.**_

_Bones: According to this scan his health insurance is down!_

_(dramatic chord)_

_**Spock: he should have switched to Aflack. Any other choice would have been illogical. **_

_**Endangered duck in cargo bay being transported to a planetary reserve breaks out of his cage and makes it to the infirmary and none of the crew members seem to notice. Once there…**_

_**Duck: Aflac…**_

_**The sliding door closes on him, stopping him from finishing.**_

_Spock: This is serious. I must go meditate._

_He walks off and Checov runs in_

_Checov: Keptin! Keptin!_

_**Probably Expendable Crewmember: You idiot! He can't hear you. He's dead!**_

_**Bones: He's not quite dead yet. **_

_**PEC: Look at 'im. He's not even movin'**_

_**Bones: He's getting' betta'.**_

_**PEC: Well, he'll be dead in a day or two. Maybe you could put him on the cart and drive him around a bit. **_

_**Bones: You're just jealous because you're not the one in danger.**_

_**Duck: Aflac!!**_

_**PEC: Ah!! The white rab…wait a minute. You're a goose.**_

_**Duck: Afla. (shakes his head no)**_

_**PEC: It doesn't matter. No animals are allowed in here. **_

_**He pulls a phaser on duck. Duck leaps at the Expendable Crewmember's jugular. PEC drops dead on the floor. Checov pulls a phaser on the Duck and fires.**_

_**Duck: Aflac!!!**_

_**His words fade off as his body vaporizes.**_

_**Kirk: Ooo. Shiny sparkly.**_

_**Bones: How long have you been there?**_

_**Kirk: I gotherejust in timeto seethat guyI'venever seenbefore get kilt.**_

_Scottie: Did someone say kilt?_

_**Spock bursts into the room.**_

_**Spock: Stop that! Stop that right now! It started out as a nice story about a spaceship captain being drunk. But now this is just silly. So stop being silly!**_

_Kirk: Wow,I didn'tknow you actuallyshowed emotion._

_Spock: Well, today is special._

_Kirk: Why?_

_Spock: It's my birthday._

_Kirk: Today? Stardate: 3.452398702183…_

_Spock: Yes._

_Kirk: Let's celebrate! Whereis the beer?_

_Spock: You drank it all, sir._

_Kirk: Oh, yeah. Where are the Tribbles?_

_Spock: I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Captain._

_**Kirk: Sure it is. They're cute 'n' cuddly, fuzzy, and they taste like beer. Even when they're deep fried, they taste like beer.**_

_Spock raises an eyebrow. _

_Kirk: They taste like beer when you grill 'em too. You don't even have to marinade them. They make a funny screeching noise when they're cooked. _

_**Spock maybe we should take the party up to the holodeck.**_

_(I think they only had a holodeck in the Next Generation, Voyager, and DS9)_

_**Random Crewman (in the distance): We don't have a holodeck, you twit!**_

_Spock Vulcan neck pinches the RCM. _

_**Another RCM (that was standing next to the other one): What th' hell man! You can't just go around neck pinchin' people. It's just not right. **_

_**Spock neck pinches him too.**_

_Kirk: Spock,you just can'tgo aroundneck pinchingpeople._

_Spock: I am not Spock. _

_Kirk: What?!_

_Spock turns into a Klingon._

_Kirk: OhmyGod! Youare a…wait don't tell me. It's that thing…and it starts with a 'K', I think. _

_**Klingon: Maghklah Tahree is the name. **_

_**Makin' rhymes is my game.**_

_**I'm the Klingon exchange student**_

_**Who's hittin' you up for some rent.**_

_**And since my name is so hard to say, **_

_**You can call me Bob just for today. **_

_**(grunt/sigh)**_

_Kirk: Hittin' me up for some rent? _

_**Bob: You know what I mean, **_

_**so give me some green.**_

_Kirk: But we don't have any cash on this ship._

_**Bob: What currency, valuables, or trinkets you've got **_

_**I'll take them all to buy a robot.**_

_Kirk: A robot? That was always Spock's dream to havea robot._

_Bob: Punk'd! _

_He changes into Spock._

_**Kirk: This wholebirthdayemotion given byyou of allpeopleisa littleweird to me.**_

_**RCM: We don't have cable you twit!**_

_**Spock is like 'I thought I took care of you.'**_

_Kirk: Wehavethe besttechnologyin the galaxybut we don't have cable?! (He looks like he's about to cry) Scottie! Get uscable!_

_Scottie: I canna break the laws of physics!_

_Kirk: I don't care about the laws of physics! Get mecable!_

_Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Captain!_

_**Kirk rolls up into fetal position sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth.**_

_**Bones: Alright, you all know the drill. I'll give 'em a sedative. Spock, try that mind blending thing. And, Scottie…**_

_**Scottie: Yessah?**_

_**Bones: Make sure the shields are working 'cause you know we're gonna need 'em later. And see what you can do about the cable.**_

_(Ha ha sedagive. Yeah, okay I'm done)_

_Kirk: Ah! Rotating Pineapples!!_

_Bones: Sedative, now! He's losing it!_

_Kirk: Ah! Tap-dancing coconuts!_

_Bones: Nurse!!_

_Kirk: Ah! the Smurfs (is it Smurfs or Smurves?) are closing in! They're evil, I tell you! EVIL!!!!_

_**Small blue people from Kantari 4 walk by. Kirk gives out a big scream, which hastens the small blue people in white clothes. **_

End flashback.

Kirk: I'll be…fine,…Spock. You're just jealous that you can't fight this time.

The two starship captains face off.

Picard: Do we really have to do this? I mean, we can see who the better captain is. It's me.

Kirk: As if. You're supposed to be French, but you talk like a Brit. Something's wrong there.

Picard: So? You never do anything captain-y.

Kirk: What does that have to do with anything?

Picard: We're fighting over who was the best Star Trek captain.

Rodney: Then shouldn't Janeway, Sisko, and that guy from Enterprise be here?

He looks around excitedly.

Kirk: Who's that?

Picard: No idea.

Kirk: To the death?

Picard: Sounds good.

The Death Match music starts and they begin to attack each other.

Teal'c: What are they doing?

Jack: Uh, they're playing tag, with very sharp looking scythes on the end of sticks.

Teal'c: That does not seem logical, O'Neill.

Spock: That's what I said!

**As the battle rages on, Picard makes a cut on Kirk's chest, making his shirt shred and causing him to bleed. **

**Kirk: (in a low snarl) Ooo, that hurt. Is this blood? Nobody makes me bleed…my own...blood! Nobody!**

**Data: That is not correct. Captain Picard just…**

**Picard: Data, toddle off!**

**Data: Toddling, sir. **

**Kirk lunges and the fight continues. The SG team can only watch the match from the crowd of ensigns in horror or excitement. Maybe more excitement, but Rodney is going crazy over the match. **

**Rodney: Yah! Go Luke! I mean, go Kirk! I mean, I, I, I can't bear to watch.**

**Jack: Everyone knows that these sort of fights are rigged.**

**Carter: I wouldn't be so sure, sir. It looks like they're really going at it. **

**DJ: Hey, the guy with the bad hair cut just got cut by the old geezer. **

**(Ha ha. Geezer. Ha! OK. I'm done.) Suddenly, the death match music ends, changing to the Mary Poppins' tap dancing penguins soundtrack. The battle pauses. Picard looks puzzled, and Kirk looks surprised. **

**Kirk: Who…dares…put this…song…on my…death match mix?**

**Spock has conveniently disappeared from the scene. Teal'c notices this and raises an eyebrow. **

**Picard: Well, this is still a competition, is it not?**

**Kirk: I don't see why we should stop.**

**Picard: Data, if you would. (motions him to become a proctor) **

**The fight turned-tap dancing competition continues. Jack has been going around the crowd trying to gather intel. He comes to a man with pointy ears talking to a man wearing a blue uniform carrying a med-kit in a shiny box (the only reason Jack went to him).**

**Jack: Ooh…pretty, shiny. Uh, er, I mean…What's happening in the battle ring?**

**Spock: It's life, boy, but not as we know it.**

**Jack: Then, why do you seem tense? **

**Spock: I am not tense. I am only concerned with the safety of the captains, for the next few songs on that disc could prove deadlier than a death match for them. **

**Jack: Deadlier than a death match? **

**Spock: Deadlier than a death match. Which is exactly what I was informing Dr. McCoy of just now. **

**The music fades again. **

**Data: The scores are in from the voices in my head. Er, the simulated judging program. Picard received 7.0, 5.2, 3.7. 0.1 and 6.5. Kirk received 9.8, 7.9, 7.6, 8.4, and…**

**Data is interrupted by the next track on the disk. It's a rap mix. The bass is so loud, the very ground shakes. Rap battle, you say? Well it's not. It's too powerful and is breaking the ground into pieces. Rocks are falling from the ledges above. The crewmen take cover. The SGers, a couple of crewmen, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty take cover under an overhang. **

**Spock: (flips open the communicator) Scotty! Beam me up, Scotty!**

**Scotty: Ya don' have to yell, lady. I'm right beside you. **

**Spock: But shouldn't you be on the ship?**

**Scotty: Well, I couldn't jus' wait for this death match to come out on cable. A death match is always better when you have a front-row seat. **

**Kirk and Picard are still fighting a regular death match despite the ground breaking apart. Kirk swings his staff over his head and brings it down towards Picard, but Picard dodges it. Kirk's staff hits the boom box, stopping the music. The people who took cover are now coming back out. **

**Jack: Hey, weren't there more red-shirted people just a minute ago?**

**DJ: The in red shirts aren't as many anymore.**

**Teal'c pimp slaps him out of nowhere. Teal'c and Jack look at each other; then, they keep walking on. **

Rodney: Oh my God! Picard's in a red shirt! And so is Riker! Are they dead?!

A "handsome" young man runs in wearing a grey ensign's uniform.

Ensign: What? The captain and first officer are dead?!No matter! I can do anything, even bring people back from the dead, for I am…Wesley Crusher!

He smiles and the bright white of his teeth blinds everyone in the general vicinity. A groan goes up from the Next Generation side of the arena. Dr. Crusher comes up to her son.

Crusher: Wesley, sweetie, I don't think…

Wesley: But Mother, I can do anything. I'm perfect!

He strikes a superhero pose. Everybody looks at each other then at Beverly. She raises her hands in defeat and backs away. Everyone pulls out their weapons.

Wesley: Hey, guys? What's going…

He never finishes as phaser beams, ZAT beams, bullets, small furry creatures, and other projectiles hit his body. Then he bursts into a billion points of light much like the Death Star exploding.

McCoy: He's dead, Jim!

Kirk: Thank God.

Data and LeForge come up dressed like Holmes and Watson.

Data: If the Captain is still alive, we'll find him! Come, Watson!

Picard: That's not necessary.

Everyone gasps.

Everyone: Gasp!

Kirk: How…did you…get…out of there?

Picard: When you left me for dead in that god-forsaken cave, you forgot one thing. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Jack: Okay, we need to find a way outta here before this becomes a universal incident. (to crowd) Excuse me!

Everyone looks to Jack.

Jack: Can you tell me where we are?

Kirk: Of…course. Mr. Chekov…

Chekov: Ve're on the planet Dagobah.

Daniel: Dagobah?

Kirk: Chekov, you talk funny. Ooh! Say "nuclear wessel!"

Chekov: No!

Spock: Captain, they have seen our secret fight ritual. And you know what our rules about it are.

Kirk: Uh…sure! Just remind the others.

Spock: Rule 1: Don't talk about the fight ritual. Rule 2: Don't talk about the fight ritual.

Kirk: So why are we talking about it? That's not logical! Ha! In your pointy eyebrowed face!

Starts cabbage patching.

Spock: 'Pointy eyebrowed face'"

**Scotty: Oh, come now. Where's your sense of humour?**

**Spock: Vulcans do not show emotions.**

**Scotty: Nonsense! Anyone'll show emotions after a few pints of brewsky. **

**Spock: Brewsky?**

**Scotty: Oh, it's an ancient Earth tradition. Now, I may not have any with me, but I'm sure we could replicate some. **

**Spock: As I am sure you are well aware of, the Enterprise does not have replicators. Just what, exactly, do you intend to do?**

**Scotty grins a dastardly, mischievous smile and starts sneaking towards the Enterprise-D.**

**Spock: I suppose I must make sure he does not do anything…stupid. **

**Random Guy Lookin' Like a Scruffy Lookin' Nerf Herder: You and me both, mate.**

**Keeps walking by herding his nerfs. **A skinny-lookin' dude with a Little Green Man on his back runs by; he stops when he sees the SGers.

Rodney: Oh my God! It's Luke Skywalker!

Luke: Hi! Master Yoda, are these the ones the Jedi prophesized about.

The LGM hops down and looks at them. Before he can say anything, Wesley comes back.

Wesley: Good news, everyone! I'm so perfect that I was able to pull myself back together.

Yoda growls and pulls out his small lightsaber. He leaps in the air, flips, and cleanly severs Wesley's head from his body. Another great cheer goes up from the arena.

Jack: Wow, that little guy just killed the annoying ensign. I don't think we should get on his bad side.

Yoda: Remember that you must, or bust a cap in your (this next word is censored, but I find it best if you use a funny sounding word like cumquat or snorkel to fill in the blank) I will.

The SGers stare at him in disbelief.

Luke: I was just on my way to go to the tunnel where I have hallucinations that I am Darth Vader. Wanna come?

Rodney: I always wondered: Do you take anything before going in there?

Luke: Nope, just Yoda's mushroom soup.

Rodney: That explains it.

Disembodied Voice: Luke…

Luke: Ben, is that you?

Disembodied Voice: No, it's George Lucas, here to capitalize on some other aspect of your character. Who do you think it is? Do other disembodied voices talk to you? Well, do they?

Luke: No, I'm sorry I've offended you.

Ben: Oh, shut up. I just wanted to tell you that these are the people you need to fill the prophesy.

Luke: Oh, okay. Hey, guys follow me!

They run off behind the Jedi-in-training who leads them into the swamps of Dagobah.


End file.
